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Chris Magyar

Who's Gay on First?


SI: Strange as it may seem, some ball players nowadays are gay.

ESPN: Gay?

SI: Gay, gay. Now, on the Washington team, Who's gay, What's straight, I don't know about third base--

ESPN: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows who are gay.

SI: I'm telling you. Who's gay, What's straight, I don't know about third base--

ESPN: You know the fellows' names?

SI: Yes.

ESPN: Well, then who's gay?

SI: Yes.

ESPN: I mean the fellow's name who's gay.

SI: Who.

ESPN: The gay guy.

SI: Who.

ESPN: The guy who's gay.

SI: Who is gay.

ESPN: Well, what are you askin' me for?

SI: I'm not asking you--I'm telling you. Who is gay.

ESPN: I'm asking you--who's gay?

SI: That's the man's name.

ESPN: That's who's name?

SI: Yes.

ESPN: When you pay off the gay guy to stay quiet every month, who gets the money?

SI: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

ESPN: Who is?

SI: Yes.

ESPN: So who gets it?

SI: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his boyfriend comes down and collects it.

ESPN: Who's boyfriend?

SI: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

ESPN: Who does?

SI: Absolutely.

ESPN: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the gay guy's name?

SI: Oh, no, no. What is straight.

ESPN: I'm not asking you who's straight.

SI: Who's gay!

ESPN: Washington has a good outfield?

SI: Oh, absolutely.

ESPN: The left fielder's sexual orientation?

SI: Why.

ESPN: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

SI: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

ESPN: Then tell me who's playing left field?

SI: The gay Who?

ESPN: The left fielder's sexual orientation!

SI: Why.

ESPN: Look, when the guy at bat bunts the ball, if you know what I mean--me being a good catcher, if you know what I mean--I want to throw the guy out at first base, if you catch my drift, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

SI: Now, that's the first thing you've said right.


SI: Don't get excited. Take it easy.

ESPN: Why? What? I don't know. Oh, I don't care anymore.

SI: What was that?


SI: Oh, that's how you should have felt about this issue all along!


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