What I Weigh

Mind: Whoa, what is this?

Body: What?

Mind: This. The scale. I didn't authorize this.

Body: I thought we might go up for a while.

Mind: Up?

Body: Yeah, get a bit bigger. Just to see what that's like.

Mind: Bigger? Really? I kind of had smaller in mind. Just to see what that's like.

Body: Smaller would mean lots of exercise.

Mind: Ah, point taken.

Body: And a healthier diet with fewer calories.

Mind: You convinced me with the part about exercise.

Body: But you would have more energy during the day...

Mind: Energy to what? Exercise?

Body: So bigger it is!

Mind: That's not what I said.

Body: I don't follow.

Mind: I was thinking, maybe, just staying the same forever. You know, keep the ol' driver's license accurate.

Body: No way.

Mind: Why not?

Body: Look, you're a brain, right?

Mind: Mostly, though some philosophers believe that—

Body: And, as a brain, you have endless ways of entertaining yourself, right?

Mind: Sometimes I think about ladybugs.

Body: But being a body is way boring. There's nothing to do but get bigger and smaller. And since we're fully grown, there's no, like, productive bigger to get. It's all recreational from here out, buddy.

Mind: Can't you find something else to do? Fight disease?

Body: You want a disease?

Mind: Okay, well, what about bowel movements? Those are fun.

Body: You realize you're way more into those than anybody else, right?

Mind: Dude, look, we're not getting bigger, okay?

Body: Exercise.

Mind: Wait, I have an idea.

Body: Exercise?

Mind: No, hear me out. What if we stayed basically the same, but you could get bigger and smaller on a whim, to keep things interesting for yourself?

Body: You lost me again.

Mind: Like, every day, within a reasonable five pound range, you could just go up or down at random. Surprise me.

Body: Five pound range?

Mind: Right. Then we're essentially the same, but you still get to have a little sport.

Body: Make it a ten pound range.

Mind: Wow, ten? That's ... ambitious. But okay. Everyday, at random, you're allowed to weigh something within a ten-pound range of now.

Body: And I can go down even if you spend all night eating ice cream?

Mind: Sure!

Body: And up if you exercise all day and eat right?

Mind: Within ten pounds, but okay.

Body: And it doesn't have to make any sense?

Mind: The less sense it makes, the more fun it is for both of us.

Body: Deal.

Mind: Let's shake on it.

Body: What are you going to shake with?

Mind: I'll control the right, you control the left.

Body: Oh, cool. Good idea.

Mind: Wait, how do we...

Body: Yeah, handshakes don't fit like...

Mind: Maybe if I turn mine upside down...

Body: What and kind of make a claw?

Mind: There!

Body: Agreed!

Mind: So you want to go take a poo now?

Body: You need help.