Getting To Know the Aliens of the Periodic Table

So NASA found some life made of arsenic, which is pretty cool, even if it comes from planet Earth and is therefore, by definition, not extraterrestrial. Why is NASA poking around in lakes anyway? Is this a campaign to lower our expectations for space exploration? First, they decrease the number of planets in the solar system, slowly, so that the only place left to visit is the moon (which is not a planet, I know, but they can change that, too, you know). Next, they convince everyone that aliens are living in a lake in California. What further steps will they take to distract us from the fact that a record store owner is about to fly routine space missions while they get Mars yanked out from under them?

This is not to downplay the discovery of life made out of something besides carbon. That's cool! And it may provide clues as to what we're looking for when (if) we ever stumble across extraplanetary terrain and we whip out some magnifying glasses to hunt for clues on alien lifeforms. 

Being scientists, they will probably focus on physical clues and biological considerations. But if we really want to understand and communicate with our future cross-chemistry pen pals, we'll need to know what makes them tick, what scratches their noodle, what gets them out of the lake bed in the morning. I would have consulted the finest minds in the alien profiling business for this article, but that field doesn't exist (except as a proposed detective series for SyFy that I'm still waiting to hear back about), so I'll go ahead and declare my mind the finest in the field of alien profiling, and hereby donate to the world a partial list of alien personality traits. (The full list is in the possession of Wikileaks, who, like SyFy, don't return my phone calls for some reason.)

1 - HYDROGEN: Gassy, morose, a loner. Hydrogen-based lifeforms are unlikely to be found at social gatherings or areas with large crowds, preferring open spaces and quiet environments in which to ponder their own fleeting existence. Hydrogen lifeforms do not mate in the traditional sense, unless coaxed into a wet threesome by an oxygen-based prostitute.

4 - BERYLLIUM: Reserved, charismatic, lacking in empathy. Beryllium-based lifeforms are quite rare, but when found they make steadfast companions and are the life of any party they attend. However, beryllium lifeforms can become quite brittle when drunk; one specimen was found to be moping in a corner after a perceived insult, then disappeared into the bathroom for a long time, then was seen departing at 2 a.m. with a copper-based female who was barely able to walk.

6 - CARBON: Practically perfect in every way.

18 - ARGON: Aloof, hyperintelligent, lethal to chickens. Argon-based lifeforms exhibit personalities that are best described as being on the far end of the Aspberger's spectrum. Extremely difficult to get along with and yet quite high-functioning, a typical argonite can be found studying pre-med at a mid-level private college with few friends and hobbies that are usually described as "bizarre" or "disturbing." Argon lifeforms are asexual but still enjoy copious masturbation, often engaging in the activity at random and in public.

27 - COBALT: Mischievous, greedy, ornery. Cobalt-based lifeforms prefer to live underground and hatch plots against their perceived enemies, usually noble gas–based lifeforms. I knew this one cobaltish guy who lived in a garden apartment in Colorado Springs, and all he did was drink Natty Light, smoke Marlboro Reds, play Playstation snowboarding games, and talk about how he was going to fuck up the face of the bouncer at the one punk club in town because of the time he got kicked out for puking in the bar trough. (What he was doing behind the bar is a whole other story that involved Jaegermeister and an Erlenmeyer flask.)

33 - ARSENIC: Our new friend ... or so it seems. Look out, it WILL ask to borrow some money, and NO you won't get it back.

39 - YTTRIUM: Loud, awkward, really likes anime. Yttrium-based lifeforms are much more common than we realize, especially in the warmer parts of the galaxy, where they tend to live even though they favor black t-shirts and sweat a lot. Yttrium sweat tastes like biscuit dough and is a mild hallucinogen. Never accept an invitation to dinner at an yttrium lifeform's parents' house, unless you really like being bored for three hours.

85 - ASTATINE: Fun-loving, promiscuous, self-destructive. If the universe throws a bachelorette party, astatine-based lifeforms will volunteer to plan it immediately. As a highly radioactive halogen, astatine lifeforms will bond with pretty much anything, especially sodium (via snorting in a bathroom), but also carbon. Gentlemen, remember to wear protection.

105 - DUBNIUM: Dubnium-based lifeforms will sell you some pot, and that's about as deep as that relationship is going to get, mon.

114 - UNUNQUADIUM: Exotic, persuasive, ruthless. Most people don't realize until it's too late that ununquadium-based lifeforms are master con men who rely on the good nature of carbon-based, magnesium-based, tin-based, and other gullible lifeforms to make a living. The good news is that ununquadium lifeforms are so rare, we're unlikely to run into one. If you believe you've been victimized by some ununquadium, check your wrists for slight burn marks. True ununquadiumites don't leave burns. You've probably just been taken in by an unsavory hunk of Einsteinium.