The next person who tells me I have "so much to live for" is getting my wrist blood all over their face. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 17, 2013
University libraries bidding on archival rights to screencaps of Salman Rushdie's Twitter feed. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
"Next time, won't you sing with me?" Every recitation of the alphabet ends with a plaintive remark, reflecting our existential uncertainty. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
Cut it out with all the absentee father jokes, Twitter. I'm getting ideas. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 16, 2013
I don't believe in an afterlife but I do believe your guts will turn into scarab beetles if you don't follow my funeral instructions exactly Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 21, 2013
RT @theisb: Quickly growing to loathe this blank Word Document. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 24, 2013
1998 called. It wants this joke format back. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 06, 2013
RT @shariv67: My workout routine? Twenty minutes of cardio. Two sets of ten reps each. Then I wait about 15 years. Then you asked me that q… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 30, 2013
Everything I know about racism, I learned from "Family Matters." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
The Little Engine That Could But Decided Not To Because Fuck The Man. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 04, 2013
"What does THIS button do?" NO DON'T PUSH THAT *click* a lamp turns on. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 02, 2013
The superstition about telling people your birthday candle wishes should also apply to prayers. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 02, 2013
Frosted Flakes aren't good, they're GRRRRRRROSS! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 02, 2013
My nickname is Don't Encourage Him. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 02, 2013
Shaggy said 'zoinks' because he was a heathen don't be like Shaggy kids. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 02, 2013
howcome men dont get to be called curvy Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 02, 2013
BEHOLD!!! @.@ Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 02, 2013
The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and blew the third little pig. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013
Playing phone solitaire in the corner of the bar just cured my social anxiety. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013
RT @alisonforns: Ever love someone so much you would do almost anything for them? Oh my god we are all so vulnerable. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013
Currently eating my weight in loneliness. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013
McDonald's invented a spokesperson named Grimace and none of us took that as a warning. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013
I lead a purpose-driven life. (Meta-lie! Cuz it's tweeted! GET IT??????????????????????????) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013
I'm so vain I bet I think this song is about me. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013
I think we all just need to take a deep breath every second or two or we'll die. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 03, 2013