Erasers with rubber so dry and smooth that they don't actually erase anything and you keep pushing harder and the metal rim tears the paper. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 24, 2013
RT @enagurney: Endless frisbee in the infinite quad Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 24, 2013
In Gaelic, "Kate Upton" literally means "they're just boobs." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 25, 2013
Yeah, it's embarrassing how much I love you. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 25, 2013
RT @enagurney: RT if you think The Fast and The Furious should have been two films focusing on each of these concepts individually Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 25, 2013
"Can't beat that with a stick!" STICK TO THE FACE "Cut it out! I'm your uncle!" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 25, 2013
All insults with "-head" in them are better with "-butt" instead, ya knucklebutt. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 25, 2013
Because I'm contractually obligated to be at comedy shows hosted at wine bars, you can find me here tonight. It's free and we're not supposed to say naughty words, so bring your kids / uptight parents.
I don't have a favorite color. BACK OFF, QUESTIONNAIRE. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
That was fun to watch, but what would it have looked like if the capitol were in Lubbock? These (R) Senators didn't come from outer space. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
Looks like the Dems just picked up a viable candidate for Governor. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
We don't even have separation of church and state in the TX constitution (Article 1, Section 4). Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
Still a long way to go to reform the Repub. Party, and it starts in TX, and it starts with chasing out the Xtianists. Can't be wished away. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
I challenge every Repub. TX Senator to go home to his wife with the wrong brand of tampons and say "I think these will work better for you." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
SCOTUS: It's Adam and Steve, not Jamal and Pablo. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
I really like you! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 27, 2013
Women outnumber men in the USA. In related news: my second child is also a girl. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 27, 2013
I just killed two birds with one stone. :( Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 28, 2013
Sam Raimi kept trying to make jump scares happen. Zach Braff found a new level of annoying. THEY CUT OFF A MUNCHKIN SONG. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 28, 2013
Me: "I have an idea! If America started over today..." Wife: "This idea isn't going to make money, is it." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 29, 2013
A rolling stone gathers no moss as it tumbles down the cliff only to smash to pieces at the bottom where it stays forever, broken and alone. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 07, 2013
My Klout score went up! Let's party! (3,659 favorites.) (Nobody shows up.) (The manager asks if I still want them to bring out cake.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 07, 2013
Congratulations! You've been nominated for an Academy Reward! Please come down to Lakefront Ocean Properties LLC to pick up your Oskar(TM). Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 07, 2013
I think of my jokes like little poems in that nobody wants to hear them. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
The best way to meet girls is to see them standing around places and go up and talk to them. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013