SOMEBODY GIVE ME A RIDE TO THE GROCERY STORE SO I CAN PURCHASE OREOS AND EAT THEM ALL JUST OUTSIDE THE DOOR NEXT TO THE REDBOX MACHINE Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
We are all connected. We are all undergoing dangerous surgery. We are not all guaranteed to survive. We are eating ice cream at a hospital. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
Conjunto chip tune DJ called Chipacabra. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
"I like to think I can provide a little something for everybody," -billionaire standing on a street corner, handing out pennies. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
Somewhere off Sesame Street, there's an alley full of Snuffleupagus flop. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
At least the first two little pigs were trying to use LEED-certified building materials. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
When I'm rich, someone will give me haircuts while I sleep. (Shut up about the logistics of this, nothing's impossible, I'm rich.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
Before Instagram, I had to go to people's houses if I wanted to see their vacation slide show. Thanks, "interactive" "social" networking! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
Homeless standup comedian: "Are all pedestrians insane? Why do they piss on my corner? I sleep outside a bar WITH A BATHROOM IN IT." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
This Valentine's Day, give the gift of planning too far ahead. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
I need to buy a crate and a barrel. Home Depot, I guess? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
I just used Grindr to find a day laborer for my redecorating project. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
*Checks favorites* ... *checks favorites* ... *checks favorites* ... *checks favorites* ... *realizes hasn't tweeted today.* Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
"Heh heh, but I kid, I only LOOK like I'm relaxing!" -Wacky dead guy. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
Hungry Hungry Hippos National Championship in Corning, Iowa, cancelled due to Councilman Brady embezzling the town marbles. Film at 11. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
I like big butts, but I can lie. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
Heads up: I'm calling people 'hombre' today. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
What's grosser than gross? 145. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
Happy belated birthday, Kurt Cobain. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
Life is a highway: an efficient but boring way to get to the end without stopping. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
Go, Speed User, Go! (Speed User grabs his Chimp and dashes out the door screaming. User X follows, trying to get a cuddle.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
"You're not my real dad!" is a phrase we adopted kids don't have the luxury of throwing around. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
From now on I'm only going to say and do things that make people like me. *disrobes* No? What? Oh fine. *rerobes* Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
You know it's time to stop walking down that IMDB hole when you arrive at Joey Lawrence's page. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
I've eaten nothing but jellybeans and donuts in the past 12 hours and I don't at all feel like killing small animals with my bare hands. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013