Sometimes when I'm lonely I go to the pet store and give names to the goldfish. I call today's little buddy Gorrest Fump. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
Do monkeys eat grapes? Do monkeys eat carrots? Do monkeys eat snails? Do monkeys eat chocolate? Do monkeys eat pork? Do monkeys eat salad? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
The only thing we have to fear is feral elves. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
Happy Commencement of Second Fiscal Quarter! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
The shortest line between two distances is a strait. LI'L SAILOR JOKES ANTHOLOGY FOR YOUNGUNS Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
Starting an R&B group called Men II Fogeyz. Must provide own tuxedo with cummerbund. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
"Ew. How about he's the Hunchback of VOTRE Dame." -Esmeralda's bitch enemy in the high school cafeteria. Her friends laugh. Everyone laughs. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
Oh yeah? You and what Navy? (My argument just built a moat, fucker.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
The Givenchy Code is a series of highly encrypted scarves (twist ending: Jesus was gay). Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
According to reincarnation, if I lead a perfectly mediocre life, can I come back as myself? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
OMG THEY'RE MAKING A "KISS OF THE DEWDROP" MOVIE!!! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
Whatever awful thing you have to do all day, calliope music would make it worse. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
Knock 'em dead, Tiger. (One swipe of its massive paw and their heads roll away amidst spurting neck blood. Tiger licks its claws and winks.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
"What an amazing string of great cool weather we're going to have this week!" I thought until I noticed my weather app was set to Denver. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
Turns out the Zodiac Killer was an ancient, long-presumed-extinct, furry, reptilian beast known as a Kodiakzilla. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
The last time I ate a whole bucket of popcorn, it was 1997 and the world was just starting to ... wait, where are you going? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
Oh no I got the mumpsfordandsons. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
I fought the law and the law tied it up at the buzzer (I got handcuffed and tased). Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
What if we all suddenly stopped caring about hobbits? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 06, 2013
Swing and a miss! I am really bad at basketball. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 06, 2013
Good will always defeat Evil because Evil requires a lot of energy and I'm 35 just let me have a Saturday. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 07, 2013
Open mic bingo is a rousing success in terms of finding new ways to get rid of my unwanted CD-ROMs. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 07, 2013
Metallica's "Enter Sandman" is a heavy metal song about dying peacefully in your sleep. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
The leading cause of death is time. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
I've never been avenged more than sixfold before. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013