Woo-hoo day off work! (Mows lawn, does laundry, mops floors, hangs shelf, irons pants, cleans toilets, takes out trash, washes car, weeds ga Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
Congratulations to everyone who finds it easy to write jokes. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
Kid: "Wall!" Me: "Yep. That's the wall." Kid: "Bonk head." Me: "What?" Kid: "Bonk head wall ouch. Fun! Whee!" Me: "Do you need a CAT scan?" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 09, 2013
Autism is the only malady that can be described with a spectrum, because no lady wants to hear where you are on the AIDS spectrum. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
Is everybody okay? You, are you okay? You don't look so good. Also you over there. Are you okay? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
RT @ZelayaGirl: If your not doing anything with your life you can mooovee Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
This one goes out to all my homies. (I have no homies.) ((How did this one manage to go out?)) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
I asked a girl out once my sophomore year and she said no. I just remembered her name and looked her up on Facebook. She's miserable! :) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
I high five dudes when they leave because the only hug method I know is Tenderly. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
Just thought up a Game of Phones parody. Then kept thinking through the part where I make it and post it to Funny or Die and it's reviled. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
Serious question: how do I get everyone to like me? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
I say 'sorry' too much. I joined Apologetics Anonymous. It's a cool group. We get to skip most of the steps. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 12, 2013
The night is dark and full of terriers. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
Watership Downton Abbey. It's just bunnies wearing maid caps and monocles. They faint a lot. No? K, back to sleep. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
Professions that use 'monger', in ascending order of evil: cheese, fish, iron, hate, war. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
Splitsider morning meeting. "Who's going to write about something NBC-related today?" Every hand goes up. Meeting adjourned. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
RT @curlycomedy: Dove asked these real women to try this new deodorant for breakfast for one week. Let's take a look at how they are on Day… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
"Calgon, take me back! This isn't what I meant!" The red sun beats down. Sand worms in the distance, leaping ever nearer. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
RT @ShittingtonUK: Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
Ever since I've had a daughter, I've found it difficult to continue objectifying babies. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Now drink lemonade, sad person. Drink it and like it. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
Sometimes I'm at this stone altar sacrificing a goat and I'm just going through the motions. Do I really care if the crops are plentiful? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
Oprah: I just know you're gonna love this! Clint Eastwood: Go on, go on. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
Found out I was the "loser" of a farting contest with my daughter. (My wife paused her suitcase packing just long enough to judge.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
Risible. R-I-S-I-B-L-E. She said my efforts to seduce her were risible, so no, I'm not satisfied with this haircut, Great Clips. Risible. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013