Twinkle twinkle little star I can see how sad you are up above the world so high like a dead mom in the sky quit crying and go to sleep. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
Last two tweets were a little dark. On a lighter note, there's no point to existence. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
It took the Texas legislature two-and-a-half years to recognize the end of slavery. Might be a while before they sort out this vote. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
With a name like Smuckers, it has to be illegal. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
Attention Photography 101 students: The lighting is excellent right now for your black-and-white graveyard shots. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
Confession: I tell seven different people they're my best friend. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
RT @zhandlen: That family sticker on the back of your minivan is just a take-out menu for cannibals. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
RT @BoobsRadley: "SURPRISE!!!!!!!" - spiders. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
Congratulations on your new tweet. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
TODDLER MUSIC: If you're happy and you know it, good for you. *golf clap* Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 15, 2013
RT @briangaar: "Did you see the terrible news?" - mothers Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 02, 2013
Just mowed the grass then got a haircut. LIFE'S TOO SHORT. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 01, 2013
Great set by TJ Miller at Innuendo tonight. Proof that nothing at Aviary ever makes sense. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 02, 2013
The best email tone to aim for at work is "slightly dickish" because that's how everyone will interpret it anyway. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 19, 2013
Ser Varmyn Pitwench slammed his meaty fist on the longtable. It should be Gamification of Thrones! Gods damn them for missing his SXSW talk! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 03, 2013
It's a funny painting because each dog thinks it has the winning hand! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 03, 2013
Pioneering new levels of OMFG, Brad broke up with his gf via Vine. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 03, 2013
"Baby, baby, baby, baby, it's all right, baby, cuz you're mine, ooo baby, flat tax." -Lady Blahblah Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 03, 2013
The active ingredient in Axe Body Spray is Febreze. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 16, 2013
Sext: Nobody at work knows I have secret mosquito bite itches all over my ankles. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 03, 2013
Big ups to that one person actually paying for that HBO Go password were all using. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 16, 2013
My memory foam mattress has Alzheimer's. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 04, 2013
The western meadowlark is my spirit animal. (Not a joke. Tripping balls on peyote right now.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 04, 2013
"Eureka!" -Scientist realizing the least metal thing ever is the "Jump" synth riff. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 25, 2013
Shouldn't kids be able to say the Pledge of Allegiance once, in second grade? Does it expire every 24 hours? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 04, 2013