People at group sex rehab: "Is there a group therapy option?" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 16, 2013
Say what you want about Michael Jackson, he really knew how to put his nose to the grindstone. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 04, 2013
RT @briangaar: I don't like all these casual "I love yous" on the Internet. "I love you" is something for your dad to imply on his deathbed Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 04, 2013
SPOILER ALERT: A category 5 spoiler has been spotted 15 miles southwest of Austin. Please proceed to your cellars or spoiler shelters. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
Happy Father's Day, Will Smith. Your plans! They worked! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 17, 2013
RT @oldmanweldon: BREAKING: Michelle Obama Goes Down To Where You Work And Smacks The Dick Out Of Your Mouth! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
The Left: "Why are conservatives so blind to scientific consensus about global warming? I mean, duh! Read the science! Also, GMO is evil." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
In conclusion: If you think something is evil, you will be stupid about it. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
RT @kelkulus: Job Interview: -"What's your greatest weakness?" -"Honesty." -"I don't think that's a weakness." -"I don't give a fuck what y… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 06, 2013
My health insurance company wants me to eat right and exercise but Patrick Swayze is dead and Whoopi Goldberg is alive. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 17, 2013
Puns were the lowest form of humor until jokey tweets about recent celebrity deaths were invented. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 20, 2013
I wish this meeting was a creative writing workshop so I could wrinkle my brow at your proposal and slowly say "Yeah, maybe..." then shrug. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 07, 2013
I'd like to be asleep right now but I just remembered that the planet is rapidly losing the ability to sustain life. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 18, 2013
Don't make fun of newspaper classifieds. They're still the best place to find out about new liquor licenses coming to your neighborhood. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 18, 2013
"Including someone into your game who is not of the Frolf spirit is a hazard." Is this a parody? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 19, 2013
Friend me on Facebook if your feed needs a bullying, mansplaining scold troll. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 20, 2013
In the last three days, my tweets have been favorited by fake Doug Benson, fake Kate Upton, and fake Barbie. I am famous among fake people. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 20, 2013
Women: Give 'em an inch, and they'll take six from someone else. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 20, 2013
Dear The Baby Jesus: Please make cash money rain from the sky only over my house amen. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 21, 2013
I guess we finally figured out what was behind Paula Deen's strangely tense tooth smile... http://t.co/SFzjw0rgZq Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 21, 2013
Love is... Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
Got an awesome Groupon for Groupons. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
Kim and Kanye should have named their baby News Item. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 21, 2013
His 24-hour ordeal over, Jack Bauer gets a good night's sleep, wakes up, cracks his knuckles, and checks his email with a sigh. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 23, 2013
63% of American friendships are rooted in knowing the same Simpsons quotes. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 23, 2013