"How's your kid?" Waits patiently for person's answer to end so real thing I wanted to talk about can be talked about. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 17, 2013
Gorillas did not endorse your organic cereal. You were raised by cereal mascots and now you are easily persuaded by animals. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 17, 2013
Patrick Swayze was a glass-half-broken-on-your-head kinda guy. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 16, 2013
What's that? I'm still crafting scorching burns on Alanis for an album that came out nearly two decades ago? I SUPPOSE I AM YOUR HERO NOW. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 16, 2013
The most popular baby names for boys so far in 2013: Adam, William, Ryan, Connor, and Dickmunch. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 15, 2013
Does anybody use gas grades higher than 87? Are those for people who feel like they need to spend more money on gasoline? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 15, 2013
You better check yo self before you get accidentally left behind on a banquet hall chair all by yo self, coat. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 14, 2013
"I'm funny on Twitter" is the new "I'm big in Japan." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 14, 2013
White people talk like this. Black people talk like that. Sick people talk like bleh. Dead people talk like not. High people talk talk talk. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 14, 2013
Just took out all my frustration on Jesse. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 14, 2013
I like already knowing I'll be hungover the next day, because it means I get to have one last beer for "free." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 14, 2013
Nice shoes, wanna walk? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 14, 2013
Splitsider morning meeting. "Who's going to write about something NBC-related today?" Every hand goes up. Meeting adjourned. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
Professions that use 'monger', in ascending order of evil: cheese, fish, iron, hate, war. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
The night is dark and full of terriers. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
Watership Downton Abbey. It's just bunnies wearing maid caps and monocles. They faint a lot. No? K, back to sleep. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
I say 'sorry' too much. I joined Apologetics Anonymous. It's a cool group. We get to skip most of the steps. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 12, 2013
Serious question: how do I get everyone to like me? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
Just thought up a Game of Phones parody. Then kept thinking through the part where I make it and post it to Funny or Die and it's reviled. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
I high five dudes when they leave because the only hug method I know is Tenderly. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
I asked a girl out once my sophomore year and she said no. I just remembered her name and looked her up on Facebook. She's miserable! :) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 11, 2013
Is everybody okay? You, are you okay? You don't look so good. Also you over there. Are you okay? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
This one goes out to all my homies. (I have no homies.) ((How did this one manage to go out?)) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
RT @ZelayaGirl: If your not doing anything with your life you can mooovee Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
Autism is the only malady that can be described with a spectrum, because no lady wants to hear where you are on the AIDS spectrum. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
