The devil rested for six days, and on the seventh day, he went to work. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
RT @enagurney: Baby coffins were invented by some jerk who was like "What, waste all this good coffin on a baby? UGH" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
Someone's job is to be the college administrator for a college that teaches college administration to future college administrators. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
Homeless standup comedian: "Homeowners always harassing me. 'GET A JOB, BUM.' Fuck you, lady. We're both wearing pajama pants." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
Homeless standup comedian: "I was in a car the other day. Is that ever not gross? How hard is it to vacuum cracker dust out of a car seat?" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
My love for you is like an everyday background thing. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 01, 2013
RT @OhNoSheTwitnt: Breaking: Michele Bachmann leaving congress to form an old lady version of The Craft with Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter and C… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
In school, they called me a loser. Well WHO'S THE LOSER NOW? Still me? Oh. See you next reunion. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 29, 2013
Nice wife and kids, brah. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
Dude in 1930 Weimar Republic Germany pushing a wheelbarrow of money and wearing a button that says "Don't blame me, I voted for Hitler." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
A funny person is just an annoying person who has figured out how to dole out the annoying in appropriate doses. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
I keep a spreadsheet of who has favorited my tweets and how frequently and I judge you all accordingly. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 28, 2013
In order of rad: 1. BBQ 2. Barbecue 3. Bar-B-Q 4. Barbie 5. Barbeque 6. Grill 7. Albuquerque Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 28, 2013
If I could kill one meme it would be "I'M A DAD & I'LL KICK YOUR ASS FOR TRYING TO DATE OR HAVE SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER." Grow up, assholes. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 18, 2013
Pregnancy glow is a warning to predators that this animal's stomach is full of ketchup and chocolate. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 27, 2013
RT @BKogrady: Just played three hours of Catan and NOTHING WAS SETTLED! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
KNOCK KNOCK who's there? KNOCK KNOCK knock knock who? KNOCK KNOCK hahaha good one. [Prize Patrol leaves.] Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
The phrase 'moral rectitude' is an onomatopoetic oxymoron. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
RT @blaudiablogan: Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
Look, I'm just spitballing here, but what if we wet little wads of paper with our tongues and blew them through a straw at the teacher? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 27, 2013
Rolo wants to know when the last time was that you ate a Rolo. Did you forget about Rolo? Look Rolo in the eye before you say no. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 27, 2013
And my bar would be called Coyote Pretty and the bartenders would sit in the corner wearing sundresses and idly picking petals off flowers. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 27, 2013
I'm not a cross-dresser I just think this dirndl makes my beer gut look smaller. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 27, 2013
The space-time continuum starts with space as the lowest value and end with time as the highest value. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 27, 2013
RT @Jgblr: The NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
