I need to buy a crate and a barrel. Home Depot, I guess? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
This Valentine's Day, give the gift of planning too far ahead. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
Homeless standup comedian: "Are all pedestrians insane? Why do they piss on my corner? I sleep outside a bar WITH A BATHROOM IN IT." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
Before Instagram, I had to go to people's houses if I wanted to see their vacation slide show. Thanks, "interactive" "social" networking! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 29, 2013
SOMEBODY GIVE ME A RIDE TO THE GROCERY STORE SO I CAN PURCHASE OREOS AND EAT THEM ALL JUST OUTSIDE THE DOOR NEXT TO THE REDBOX MACHINE Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
When I'm rich, someone will give me haircuts while I sleep. (Shut up about the logistics of this, nothing's impossible, I'm rich.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
At least the first two little pigs were trying to use LEED-certified building materials. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
Somewhere off Sesame Street, there's an alley full of Snuffleupagus flop. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
"I like to think I can provide a little something for everybody," -billionaire standing on a street corner, handing out pennies. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
Conjunto chip tune DJ called Chipacabra. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
We are all connected. We are all undergoing dangerous surgery. We are not all guaranteed to survive. We are eating ice cream at a hospital. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
Oprah: I just know you're gonna love this! Clint Eastwood: Go on, go on. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 22, 2013
Risible. R-I-S-I-B-L-E. She said my efforts to seduce her were risible, so no, I'm not satisfied with this haircut, Great Clips. Risible. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
Found out I was the "loser" of a farting contest with my daughter. (My wife paused her suitcase packing just long enough to judge.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 28, 2013
Sometimes I'm at this stone altar sacrificing a goat and I'm just going through the motions. Do I really care if the crops are plentiful? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Now drink lemonade, sad person. Drink it and like it. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
RT @ShittingtonUK: Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
Ever since I've had a daughter, I've found it difficult to continue objectifying babies. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
"Calgon, take me back! This isn't what I meant!" The red sun beats down. Sand worms in the distance, leaping ever nearer. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 21, 2013
RT @curlycomedy: Dove asked these real women to try this new deodorant for breakfast for one week. Let's take a look at how they are on Day… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
RT @briangaar: Robocop just going to town on a vacuum cleaner Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 25, 2013
"No good deed goes unpunished." -the homeless man giving me a noogie. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 25, 2013
It's casual Friday at work, so I fell asleep on the toilet. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 24, 2013
RT @donni: Follow this one weird Ja Rule for a flat stomach Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 24, 2013
ROLL CALL: Fluffy Bunny? (here) Chatterbox? (here) Lieutenant Snuggle? (here) Baxter Bear? (here) Kissypoo? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 23, 2013
