Shout out to all the Scandinavian last names in my Facebook feed. Keep rocking those Fs and Vs, y'all!
Come on, everybody. Only five more red equals signs until Justice Scalia changes his mind.
Where's the Facebook setting for "decline all event invitations due to being old and tired, really, it's nothing personal"?
A bunch of snails died trying to climb up my new grill's cover last night, which is great because it means I get to name the grill Snailsbane.
For my birthday, I would like all the random people from the "Walk Like An Egyptian" video to meet in the park for a softball game.
Wife and I are having a competition to see who can make the littlest snort.
"I like to wait until an event has already started, then decline it." -Tucker Max Explains Facebook
First practical use for comedy: putting Charlotte on a training potty and getting her to laugh so hard she pees.
I told an intern today that "social media is important on the web." Facebook was launched when she was in elementary school.
People are always telling me I look "tired" and "exhausted." I need to make friends who are less observant.
Today, I've been married for three years to Veronica Magyar, and in that time my life has gotten incrementally better every single day. Science says: not a coincidence. Love you, baby. Show me the emoticon for sappy-goopy-goop face later?
You can keep "under God" if you agree to worry about "and justice for all" just as much.
I will be participating in the city comedy competition this evening. Meet me out front of Cap City Comedy Club at 7pm if you want free tickets. It is a fun talent show for boys and girls.
www-personal.umich.edu
Attention cool people: Parents don't know why that dipshit sing-songy voice gets results, but it does, so cut us some slack.
That thing where you express self-satisfaction by curling your knuckles, breathing on your fingernails, then pretending to rub them on your shirt: everyone has done it at least once even though nobody knows what it means.
"I can't believe some random country's internal politics led to the bombing of innocents on our soil!" should be the new UN anthem.
Strict libertarianism only works if everyone is good and kind, so before you decide to be Libertarian, you must decide to be good and kind. (Lest this sound trite: 'good' and 'kind' are the hardest things to be.) #BleedingHeartLibertarian
For my birthday, I would like all the random people from the "Walk Like An Egyptian" video to meet in the park for a softball game.
We can't let gays call it 'marriage'! What's next? Any group of people being able to call themselves a 'church'? Oh, wait. #ReligiousFreedom
I'll be hosting two shows at the Velveeta Room tonight (9:30 and 11:30) for Matt Golightly. There will probably be surprise guests, unless they're aren't, in which case I'll just have to keep talking! I talk funny sometimes. $5 or a secret handshake to...
