Frog golf. Bat porn. Rabbit hug. Cockatiel chess. Giraffe church. Walrus blight. Rat dumpster. Zebra jorts. Llama casserole. Pig fart. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 02, 2013
Whenever I see a harmonica, I think, "What could I tweet about a harmonica?" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 01, 2013
ASK AN OLD MAN... Q: What did kids trade before Pokemon cards? A: Boogers. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
"I'm trying to keep my girlish figure." [Muffled noises in the trunk. Pounding fists. The cop's not laughing.] Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
RT @jonmendoza: Aquaman comes out of water closet. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
STOCK TIP: Nobody knows what's going to happen in the stock market. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 15, 2013
I'm 50% sure this is my left hand. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
Perfectionists are awful. Perfectionists who need perfection from your cooking are monsters. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 01, 2013
I drink therefore I Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 01, 2013
"Tight deuce, bro." High five. Getting the tips. Bathroom attendant in the house. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
The song "A Groovy Kind of Love" no longer drops panties, but the groovy kind of making love is still recommended by most doctors. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
All's well that ends well since Elmo got adopted, but I still think it sucks that Grover ran off on him. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
"Death to houseflies" is what in Latin? Making a family crest. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 30, 2013
RT @briangaar: Yoga is church for people who hate their hometown Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 23, 2013
Hercule Poirot contemplating a busted pogo stick outside a terrorized pawn shop. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
"Are you with the groom or the groom?" Geez, your mom's going to milk that joke the whole reception, eh? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
Triple-decker bunk beds, on the next Geraldo. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
Why so glum, chum? "Dog died." Oh! "I killed it." Oh... "It was eating my baby." Um. "I cooked that baby for me." Say no more, pal. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
Combrabylations gradgutates. Arrround onmee, onda house, onmee. Makeshomfinofashelves goddammit. GodDAMMIT. Where my keys? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
I'd like to apologize for liking to apologize. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
Keep your twitbook off my facester. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
Gonna start a series of videos for lactose intolerant teens called "I Can't Believe It's Not Better." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
You could say "the specials tonight are steamed eel and a tangerine cole slaw tossed with veal blood" and the oldest lady would still "ooo." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
My ears are burning. Somebody must be talking about me or lighting my hair on fire. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
In case anyone hasn't figured it out yet, hipster is not a type of person but an adjective young people use to describe their self-loathing. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 29, 2013
