This is BIZARRE. We are super good at limiting the number of babies born during the 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ain't got time to be making babies on our days off, yo. PARTY ON, WAYNE. codementum.org Plan ahead, and avoid the labor room rush!...
Two roads diverged in a wood and search-and-rescue please. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 19, 2013
The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing that kid to eat dog poo. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 18, 2013
"Yo. Kick it." -Vanilla Ice, age 7, playing kick the can. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
Maybe Alanis was being ironic when she used 'ironically' incorrectly. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 16, 2013
College girls walking around all the time in flip-flops and workout clothes. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 18, 2013
Guys, for only 99 cents a month, I can write your entire three-minute set. Guaranteed to be sayable at open mics all over the country. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve bears here." Three gay guys leave. <--Go ahead, steal this joke. I beg you. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
"Feeling pretty good. I recently lost 200 pounds..." polite applause "when I divorced my fat wife." <--You can have this joke. Yes. You. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
To get rid of milkweed, make sure you pull it out with the roots still intact. Same goes for ear hair. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
"Well my name is Kanye and I'm here to say" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 18, 2013
RT @SanditonCoffee: We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 15, 2013
RT @the_double_d: Did u know that if ur married or if u have a BF/GF u have to see that person EVERY DAY or at least call them otherwise th… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 15, 2013
Not exactly on cloud nine this morning, but my kid spontaneously knowing how to sing her ABCs this morning gets me to cloud four. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 14, 2013
Sweet rig what kinda modem you got? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 16, 2013
Are Groupon jokes retro-cool yet? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 13, 2013
Nicodemus still giving me nightmares. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 11, 2013
In the future everyone will get fifteen minutes of fail. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 14, 2013
Nothing is ever described as bursting with fruit flavor anymore. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 14, 2013
Dear Diary: Today I met the Internet. Bye. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 11, 2013
I'd be a great famous person. I make awful decisions and say dumb things constantly. Vote for me for famous, America. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 13, 2013
Is Jones an acceptable middle name? Can I name my next kid Blasphemous Jones? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 12, 2013
I'm gonna be able to predict the future tomorrow. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 25, 2013
When you say you're mortified you're saying you're dead. The only reason I tweeted this is I got to use "you're" back-to-back-to-back. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 11, 2013
I feel sorry for people who have to hear my answer to "how can you hate Bob Dylan?" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 25, 2013
