RT @jeffdsilva: I wonder how many Gorillas were taught an armpit fart meant "hello" in sign language before a more mature scientist stepped… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
There's a velvet ribbon about my neck. Clasped to it, a red gem that glows. My nightgown is translucent. Everybody at this HEB is staring. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 09, 2013
"Bitch, please." -Ned, the Polite Dog Trainer. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 09, 2013
Never making a bucket list is on my bucket list. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 23, 2013
When is Santa Claus going to come out of the closet? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 07, 2013
Basketball games should be 40 seconds long so that every play is AMAZING. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 30, 2013
Toilet paper magically turns into fresh oxygen, right? DO NOT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS TO FLUSHED TOILET PAPER. IT CANNOT BE GOOD. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 08, 2013
If you tell a pathological liar "be true to yourself," what happens? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 12, 2013
I'd say the most interesting thing about being a baseball fan is the abject loneliness. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 08, 2013
Good things come to those who ... wait... Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 17, 2013
Super secret show in my brain in ten minutes RSVP no badge needed scan the QR code and I'll email you my daily dream journal. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 12, 2013
how do people have group sex I can't even get more than two people to agree on pizza toppings ugh Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 23, 2013
When you cross post, I'll like it on Instagram if it's sweet, Twitter if it's funny, Facebook if it's cool, and all three if it's boobs. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 22, 2013
Casper the Friendly Ghost was God's way of preventing Casper the Alcoholic Dad. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 29, 2013
You can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make it pose for bikini photos without a signed release form. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 23, 2013
"PUNK ROCK WILL NEVER DIE!!!" I yell in anguish. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
RT @ahrabik: "Watch me ruin a thing you just said while at the same time ruining a thing you used to love!" -people who quote movies in con… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 30, 2013
I'll never be cool enough for school. (Puts on shades. Rides off on motorcycle.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 30, 2013
What was the moral of Bulworth? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 23, 2013
Shout out to drunk bald guys carrying briefcases with chain restaurant business plans in them. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 15, 2013
I think the emergence of the phrase "jumping the shark" was when memes jumped the shark. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 13, 2013
"Give it up for charity!" was the most clever thing Alice in HR ever wrote. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 15, 2013
You're SORRY? (Penguin kicks a pebble, keeps looking down.) FINE. This is over. OK? It's just over. (Penguin shrugs, waddles to its car.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 29, 2013
Overheard at Starbucks: The nuclear launch codes. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 15, 2013
I will be participating in the city comedy competition this evening. Meet me out front of Cap City Comedy Club at 7pm if you want free tickets. It is a fun talent show for boys and girls.
