Happy Dead Mother's Day to the rest of us with Dead Mothers. Commercials never seem to get around to us. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 12, 2013
The best part of drinking too much is saying too much. The worst part of saying too much is sdhfkasdyasdllhfhff. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 11, 2013
Parenting tip: Teach your kid that annoying talking toys are outside toys. Wait for rain. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 25, 2013
Your dog is hack. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 24, 2013
I feel bloated. Maybe I shouldn't have eaten all those whale bladders. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 10, 2013
"Snakes on a Plane" is a stupid movie because obviously snakes have a third dimension. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 10, 2013
The Kama Sutra has no drawing of the eye fuck this dog just worked over on me. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 10, 2013
Guess who's an emotional wreck in the middle of the night when his daughter is crying from teething pains? THAT'S RIGHT: JASON STATHAM. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 09, 2013
I think I'm too drunk to be on Twitter. *reads rest of twitter* Nah, I'm cool. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 09, 2013
There once was a man from Nantucket who dreamed that his wife sure could hold on my baby's crying Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 09, 2013
"Hey man, be cool" = "dude stop acting like yourself." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 09, 2013
Looking forward to Rammstein's "Accidental Fascist." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 09, 2013
Ha ha I just Rickrolled myself! (intentionally Googled Rick Astley) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 09, 2013
I've never been avenged more than sixfold before. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
Metallica's "Enter Sandman" is a heavy metal song about dying peacefully in your sleep. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
Make sweet love to me and I will take with thee a nap. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 10, 2013
Swing and a miss! I am really bad at basketball. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 06, 2013
The Yelp reviews are all over the map for this baby smuggler. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 10, 2013
Gross, I care. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 24, 2013
Which AT&T Uverse TV package allows me to illegally torrent whatever show I want? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 09, 2013
If you want your car crash to have witnesses, have it in front of Franklin BBQ. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 09, 2013
RT @BoobsRadley: Just drank a glass of wine like it'd been building sexual tension with me over the course of three seasons. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 24, 2013
"After a certain age, the most charitable assumption you can make about young people is that they're all on drugs." -my neighbor Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 09, 2013
Turns out the Zodiac Killer was an ancient, long-presumed-extinct, furry, reptilian beast known as a Kodiakzilla. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
"GET DOWN ON THE DANCE FLOOR!" -Disco burglar. He sweats behind his ski mask. Where does the disco keep its vault? Shit shit shit. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
