Knock 'em dead, Tiger. (One swipe of its massive paw and their heads roll away amidst spurting neck blood. Tiger licks its claws and winks.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
HEADS UP: My toddler daughter is going as Richard Simmons for Halloween. My wife's making me give the city time to pass a law against this. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 23, 2013
The reason parents don't go out to see movies much is that child development has a great plot and babies are hilarious characters. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
The Givenchy Code is a series of highly encrypted scarves (twist ending: Jesus was gay). Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
Paul Bunyan vs. Godzilla. GODZILLA WINS! Cheap electric blanket vs. reusable grocery bag. BLANKET WINS! Blanket vs. Godzilla, tonight on TNT Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 23, 2013
The shortest line between two distances is a strait. LI'L SAILOR JOKES ANTHOLOGY FOR YOUNGUNS Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
Happy Commencement of Second Fiscal Quarter! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
The only thing we have to fear is feral elves. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
Do monkeys eat grapes? Do monkeys eat carrots? Do monkeys eat snails? Do monkeys eat chocolate? Do monkeys eat pork? Do monkeys eat salad? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
Get outta my dreams, get into my car. Get outta my car, get into my apartment. Get outta my apartment, get into my dreams. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 23, 2013
I've eaten nothing but jellybeans and donuts in the past 12 hours and I don't at all feel like killing small animals with my bare hands. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
From now on I'm only going to say and do things that make people like me. *disrobes* No? What? Oh fine. *rerobes* Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
These aren't Pringles, I'm on a snackation. These aren't Oreos, I'm in Snackstown USA. These aren't Ritz, I'm dancing the snackarena. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 18, 2013
Middle school principal smoking weed with the frozen burger patty delivery driver. They don't talk about anything. It's a Thursday. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 21, 2013
Help, I haven't had internet in three days and now I can't think in useless witty quips. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 18, 2013
I bet polywogs are moody. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
Saltines are the miracle. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 24, 2013
Go, Speed User, Go! (Speed User grabs his Chimp and dashes out the door screaming. User X follows, trying to get a cuddle.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
Happy belated birthday, Kurt Cobain. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
Do you like me? Check one. [ ] Yes. [ ] No. [ ] If you have something to share, you can share it with the whole class, Magyar. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 09, 2013
RT @mattzollerseitz: RT this if you ever tried to do stop-motion animation inspired by Ray Harryhausen. RIP, the master. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
By the power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER!!!! (Turns into a chihuahua.) ((Leaps over a traffic cone.)) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. (Nation's gaze trains on pits of Hell.) ((Nation turns to salt.)) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
What's grosser than gross? 145. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
WWDLD? (What Would David Lopan Do?) (We already know what ol' Jack Burton would do in a situation like this.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
