The leading cause of death is time. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 08, 2013
Practicing caricatures. Just finished one of Vin Diesel on a tricycle and it's labelled "Brohammad" can someone pour me another absinthe? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 10, 2013
Open mic bingo is a rousing success in terms of finding new ways to get rid of my unwanted CD-ROMs. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 07, 2013
Good will always defeat Evil because Evil requires a lot of energy and I'm 35 just let me have a Saturday. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 07, 2013
I fought the law and the law tied it up at the buzzer (I got handcuffed and tased). Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
Oh no I got the mumpsfordandsons. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
The last time I ate a whole bucket of popcorn, it was 1997 and the world was just starting to ... wait, where are you going? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
What if we all suddenly stopped caring about hobbits? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 06, 2013
According to reincarnation, if I lead a perfectly mediocre life, can I come back as myself? Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
Oh yeah? You and what Navy? (My argument just built a moat, fucker.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
"Ew. How about he's the Hunchback of VOTRE Dame." -Esmeralda's bitch enemy in the high school cafeteria. Her friends laugh. Everyone laughs. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
Starting an R&B group called Men II Fogeyz. Must provide own tuxedo with cummerbund. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
"What an amazing string of great cool weather we're going to have this week!" I thought until I noticed my weather app was set to Denver. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 03, 2013
Whatever awful thing you have to do all day, calliope music would make it worse. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
OMG THEY'RE MAKING A "KISS OF THE DEWDROP" MOVIE!!! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
Sometimes when I'm lonely I go to the pet store and give names to the goldfish. I call today's little buddy Gorrest Fump. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
You know it's time to stop walking down that IMDB hole when you arrive at Joey Lawrence's page. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 04, 2013
"You're not my real dad!" is a phrase we adopted kids don't have the luxury of throwing around. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
Life is a highway: an efficient but boring way to get to the end without stopping. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
Heads up: I'm calling people 'hombre' today. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
I like big butts, but I can lie. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
Hungry Hungry Hippos National Championship in Corning, Iowa, cancelled due to Councilman Brady embezzling the town marbles. Film at 11. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 05, 2013
"Heh heh, but I kid, I only LOOK like I'm relaxing!" -Wacky dead guy. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
*Checks favorites* ... *checks favorites* ... *checks favorites* ... *checks favorites* ... *realizes hasn't tweeted today.* Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
I just used Grindr to find a day laborer for my redecorating project. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
