Let's all take a moment to be thankful that Louis CK is not overexposing himself right now. #BacklashProof Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
My kid's favorite game is pretending to sleep. #winning Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 14, 2013
Odds are almost even it's me, all of them, right away, with "comedy." #innuendo Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 28, 2013
"Yes, as a matter of fact, we've ALL been living under a rock." -->points to the moon. #HighFiveGreatComeback Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
Draw a goth band greeting guests with a soufflé and caption it "Ministry loves company." #ChChing Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
Just sitting around eating beans. #America Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 21, 2013
Twitter. #AlternativesToOpenMics Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
We both know this first date isn't going to lead to a second date anyway. #AlternativesToOpenMics Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
If you're wearing firefighter clothes and holding a bullhorn, you can interrupt any piano recital you want. #AlternativesToOpenMics Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
Bus drivers control when the bus stops and also a little microphone. Bus companies are usually hiring. #AlternativesToOpenMics Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
Some poisons take hours to kill. A well-placed suicide means everyone's there to hear your last words. #AlternativesToOpenMics Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
If you turn 35 and party like you're 25, you wake up feeling 55. #unfairmath Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 11, 2013
He's a fart-knocked cloven-hoofed, meat sack of a man. #sassy Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 02, 2013
April Fools and Halloween have in common the fact that you should have grown out of this holiday in middle school. #AprilScrooge Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 01, 2013
Just a dad staying up until 3 am to watch a horror movie on Netflix about child abduction. #thuglife Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 22, 2013
Cherrywood lasted 38 minutes total. Is there a contest tonight or something? #fpia Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 08, 2013
"Just keep telling yourself everything's going to be okay." What if I want everything to be better than that? What am I, a mediocrity? #yes Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 14, 2013
The NSA is so misunderstood. It was just trying to give all of America a follower. #FF Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 07, 2013
"What does THIS button do?" NO DON'T PUSH THAT *click* a lamp turns on. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 02, 2013
The Little Engine That Could But Decided Not To Because Fuck The Man. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 04, 2013
Everything I know about racism, I learned from "Family Matters." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 26, 2013
RT @shariv67: My workout routine? Twenty minutes of cardio. Two sets of ten reps each. Then I wait about 15 years. Then you asked me that q… Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 30, 2013
1998 called. It wants this joke format back. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) July 06, 2013
RT @theisb: Quickly growing to loathe this blank Word Document. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 24, 2013
I don't believe in an afterlife but I do believe your guts will turn into scarab beetles if you don't follow my funeral instructions exactly Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 21, 2013
