Tattoo idea: "Tattoo idea" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 15, 2013
Serving on a jury is on my bucket list. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 13, 2013
Think you're pretty tough, little cereal flake? You don't scare me. I eat cereal flakes like you for breakfast. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 21, 2013
Every time I'm about to tweet something insensitive about slavery, I ask myself, WWWWWWD? (What Would Walt Whitman's Widowed Watchmaker Do?) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
I check the stats of my blog because the stats on my Twitter account aren't depressing enough. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 22, 2013
In real life, when you level up, you lose stamina. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 22, 2013
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to raise money for some dumb charity. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 24, 2013
The bigger they are, the harder they autumn. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 25, 2013
Funbags infomercial. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
People's lives are being changed right now by Innuendo Comedy Night at the South Lamar Furniture and Shag Carpet Depot. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 24, 2013
New leader of institutional homophobia believes homophobic things. Twitter's shocked reaction on film at 11. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 14, 2013
I've become everything I used to hate. (I used to hate awesome dudes.) Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 12, 2013
"Don't make me turn this car around!" -teenager panicking during his driving test because he's scared of making U-turns. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 12, 2013
Entire species have evolved to thrive solely on Costco hot dogs. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 30, 2013
This Veronica Mars hubbub reminds me of the time I spent a decade tuning out Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 14, 2013
Things that make me cry: photos of dead children and boogers that can't be picked without ripping out some nose hair. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 21, 2013
We realize you have a choice in air. Thank you for choosing Air®-brand air. "Take each breath as if it might be your first." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 25, 2013
Can't imagine the existential horror of getting a PhD in Lit just to teach Lit students how to get a PhD in Lit. *sent from my gray cubicle* Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 25, 2013
DOCTOR: Drink lots of water. ME: I drink so much water every day, I've got water coming out of my ass. TALKING SQUIRREL: Aw hell no. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 25, 2013
Masochists are the loophole in the Golden Rule. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
I describe my sexuality as "Fan of The Bangles." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
"No, the oldest trick in the book is actually peek-a-boo. Let's see how much you wagered." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 23, 2013
"Get over yourself! I got over MYself! Why can't YOU get over YOURself! It's easy! Are you even trying?!" -Drunk Motivational Speaker Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 22, 2013
US Magazine should just rename itself Jennifer Aniston's Leathery Cleavage. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 25, 2013
Got an awesome Groupon for Groupons. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
