Cut it out with all the absentee father jokes, Twitter. I'm getting ideas. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 16, 2013
"Next time, won't you sing with me?" Every recitation of the alphabet ends with a plaintive remark, reflecting our existential uncertainty. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
University libraries bidding on archival rights to screencaps of Salman Rushdie's Twitter feed. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 31, 2013
The next person who tells me I have "so much to live for" is getting my wrist blood all over their face. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 17, 2013
Not nervous about potty training my daughter. The folks at PetSmart have great classes. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 16, 2013
I guess we were all taught in school that your pledge of allegiance to the flag expired after 24 hours. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 27, 2013
"Look, nerd. I'll ask your nerd opinion if I need something to be more nerd. Ok, nerd?" Fuck yeah I'm really leading this staff meeting. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 23, 2013
"You've disappointed me, son." -Ray Parker, Sr. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 18, 2013
If I want to know what happened on CNN, I read Twitter. If I want to know what happened on Twitter, I watch CNN. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 17, 2013
I'm paranoid about becoming metanoid. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 17, 2013
People using TWITTER to complain about a news organization rushing information out before it's checked: THIS THING IS WHY THIS HAPPENS. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 17, 2013
Here? Here. Over here? Here? No, here? THERE? Okay, there. Here? Wait, HERE? OHHH. Sorry, it just looks more like THERE when you masturbate. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 16, 2013
Grodyballs Gnarlypants Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) April 10, 2013
Amazing Grace gets all the publicity for the hard work of Homely Grace. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 30, 2013
Ellen Page is going have huge comeback in 2062 as that tiny creepy old woman in horror movies. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 26, 2013
"Keep Calm and Carrie On" -poster for a future Sex & the City movie. It's pink. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) May 20, 2013
this boulder has a huge crush on me oh shit Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 22, 2013
Only two more hideous growths of subcutaneous fat until I'm completely unfuckable! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 07, 2013
The tipping point has been a long time coming, but Portland is now cooler than Austin. We can all relax and enjoy the lack of fawning press. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 07, 2013
Are you ready for love? Take my $99 six-week audiotape course and I'll tell you "yes"! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 07, 2013
RT @BlakeMidgette: "My life is a disease that only rock and roll can cure!" -Me to my dog while we dance to Mr. Mister songs Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 07, 2013
ha ha it's fun to watch Justin Bieber get driven insane by fame remember when it happened to Lindsay Lohan ah good times Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 08, 2013
"Do you describe your jokes as Corny, or Cornelius?" -Psychedelic Dog Bone Acid Trip, a book that doesn't exist. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 07, 2013
My daily affirmations have become surreptitious make-out sessions; diluted vinegar is excellent at removing tongue residue from mirrors. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 07, 2013
The magic of Vine: My tweets never make you laugh, but you will feel compelled to click this link and watch me not be funny in a GIF! Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 07, 2013
