SXSW has once again renewed my faith in misanthropy. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 08, 2013
Thanks to Google Alerts, I now know there is a black me. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 08, 2013
I'm on my period. I'm near my comma. I'm a time zone away from my hyphen. I swallowed my colon. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 09, 2013
Human beings are some of the nicest human beings I've met. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 09, 2013
When you think about the money we're saving on housecleaning, this meth is practically free. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 08, 2013
RT @BoobsRadley: Sitting at a bar next to an ethnically diverse group of women in dangly earrings. Can't wait to ask them what birth con ... Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 09, 2013
Nothing Contrasts 2 U Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 10, 2013
Reminding someone about daylight savings time is the lowest form of communication. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 09, 2013
I'm growing out my bangs. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 08, 2013
The Right: "Why are liberals so interested in having the government control my guns, my healthcare, and my life! Also, abortion is evil." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
How Stella Got Her Elvis Grbac. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 05, 2013
RT @JayUhOh: "Ho ho ho!" "Hey hey hey!" "Hey ho!" "Hey oh, oh eh!" - Santa, Fat Albert, the Lumineers & Tony Danza gettin robbed Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) June 13, 2013
The human being adjective temperature scale: Hot = good. Warm = good. Cool = good. Cold = bad. Frigid = bad. Ice in your veins = awesome. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
"This vegetable tastes gross" face is still the most expressive face I've ever made. Sorry, victims of injustice. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
My daughter taught me to always say goodnight to your genitals. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
"Books take you to another world" is a good phrase for a library poster or an epitaph. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
Man was so mopey for the 10,000 years after dogs sat man down at Subway and said "let's just be best friends." Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 28, 2013
It's Adam and Eve, not Adam 'n' Eve. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
TO DO: Wash car. TO DON'T: Wash Carl. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 26, 2013
The true American Bad-ass is right now deciding between lean and moist meat from the skunk he hath strangled and slow roasted. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 31, 2013
The only thing more depressing than a bad open mic is my bad open mic. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 31, 2013
The best part of waking up is Folgers in your athletic supporter. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 31, 2013
Signed up for a "who unfollowed me" email service and now every week is like that encounter with the bathroom graffiti in middle school. Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 18, 2013
Still waiting for something funny to ever follow the phrase "caption contest!" Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 13, 2013
Dear Time Warner: My heroin dealer doesn't make me wait seven days to get what I need. Why do you? *itches forearms* Chris Magyar (@chrisjmagyar) March 18, 2013
